you stole my heart

Sunday, June 08, 2003

Jokes for sweet Sundae

JOKE #1
Ladies hostel caught Fire.. it took 1 hour to bring the fire under control........ and another 3 hours to bring the firemen under control.

Wife: If I sleep with your best friend what will be the first thought to come in your mind?
Husband: that you are a lesbian.

Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps in the U.S ???
Because the people started licking the wrong side!

Girl to hungry boyfriend: If my right leg was afternoon meal & left leg evening meal what would you prefer?
Boyfriend: Eating between meals

Nobody is ever satisfied, Poor men wish they were rich,Rich men wish they were handsome, Bachelors wish they were married & Married men wish they were Dead!

How do you teach ! a girl maths?
Add a bed, subtract her clothes, divide her legs, enter your square root, leave your solution and hope she doesn't multiply!

Lady : "I want a good vibrator"
Salesman: "Ma'am you may select one from our range that is displayed on that wall"
Lady : "O.K. I'll take that red one"
Salesman: "Sorry, that's our fire-extinguisher"

A divorced Couple were contesting for possession of the child..
The mother said: "I gave birth to him - he's mine"
The father said: "I put a coin in the pepsi machine and a can comes out - the pepsi belongs to me! not to the machine !!"

A girl says to her boyfriend, "One kiss and I'll be yours forever."
The guy says 'thanks for the warning'

A Husband Was Asked: "Do you talk to your wife after sex?"
He replied: "Depends, If I Can find a Phone"

Definition of a Gynecologist:
Someone who looks for problems where others look for pleasure!!!

Man to wife on wedding night-"Are you sure I'm the first man you are sleeping with?
"Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!'

Joke #2
BRAIN TUMOR
Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!

MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!

WHILE IN A DRUG STORE
Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!

QUEUING BEHIND HIS FRIEND AT AN ATM MACHINE
Friend: What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Mr. Bean: four asterisks!

Friend: how many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Friend: Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4 worse.

CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND
Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture.
Friend: What tape did you took anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.

Mr. Bean: (crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend.
After 2 minutes Mr. Bean cries even louder.
Friend: what now?
Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!

MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING
Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because of a power failure.
Mr. Bean: Thats alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator
for 3 hrs.

Spelling lesson
Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful....is it one c or two c?
Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure!

Joke #3
Attention:
Please be advise that the new company's policy are as follows :

DRESS CODE :
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $750 Prada shoes & carrying a $900 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK LEAVE :
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement or medical certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor,you are able to come to work.

SURGERY :
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.
To have something removed constitutes a breach of your employment contract.

PERSONAL LEAVE :
Each employee will receive 104 days of personal leave a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

COMPANY VACATION DAYS :
We are a good company that, on top of your entitlement to 104 days of personal leave a year,allows all employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The company vacation days are as follows: Jan 1 & Dec 25.

COMPASSIONATE LEAVE :
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon, and after work. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

LEAVING BECAUSE OF YOUR OWN DEATH :
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks' notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a co-worker. However, both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing (and not necessarily on toilet paper).

LUNCH BREAKS :
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Have a nice week!

From: Management Team